


Sunshine Is Over Me

by katzengefluster



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, bobby takes too long and hanbin moves on, it's also unrequited double b, it's just sad okay this does not have my usual happy ending, it's technically hanbin/jaewon but he's not actually in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 05:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12741480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katzengefluster/pseuds/katzengefluster
Summary: "You never know what you have until it's gone": there isn't a sentence that Bobby relates to more. Or hates more.





	Sunshine Is Over Me

**Author's Note:**

> This came out in a blur one night as I was listening to hyukoh's "Gondry" and nursing this craving for something sad. The title comes from the song, of course.
> 
> Also as a little warning (because I know some people get upset at seeing this topic): there's some talk of potential homophobia stemming from religion. It's just a few lines and not even confirmed. But I wanted to mention it anyway just so you're aware. Also please don't take this as me saying that religion is against homosexuality. This is just an isolated mention that works specifically for the story.

Hanbin's dreamed about hearing these words for so many years. Allowed his mind to wander freely on fantasy, falling asleep with the ever-present hope that _maybe tomorrow, he'll be ready._ Three months ago he slowly started giving it up, started the long creep backwards, retracting it all, focusing on a new target instead. And now?  
  
_“I love you. Not just as a friend, or a brother, or whatever I've always said we were. I want to be with you.”_  
  
But it's too late.  
  
“You can't just drop this on me.” Hanbin's voice is steady, stronger than how he feels underneath it all. That's always been his role, though, and he's perfected the practice.  
  
“I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.” Bobby's voice wavers because he's never quite mastered hiding his emotions the way that Hanbin has. He's never had to.  
  
“Why now? I'm finally happy, I finally have someone.”  
  
_I know, but that's the problem. You have someone, and it's not me._  
  
“I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. I guess that's what I needed to figure it out.” Bobby knows it's a crappy answer, but he can't quite bring himself to admit it out loud. All he can do is hope that Hanbin will prioritize him the way he always has. (The way he _used to._ )  
  
“I waited for you for _years_.” Hanbin says, for what feels like the hundredth time. (He's only ever said it in his head, though, never out loud.)  
  
Bobby doesn't say anything. Even though Hanbin's never spoken it, Bobby's always known. He just never appreciated it for what it was. Never thought it could be something he'd ever want.  
  
He wants it now.  
  
“How am I even supposed to trust that this is real?” Hanbin asks. “How do you expect me to toss something wonderful away, when you might decide this isn't for you after all?”  
  
It stings that Hanbin's fighting it.  
  
“I know it took me a while to figure it out, but I get it now, I know what I want.”  
  
Hanbin just shakes his head, looks at him like he's an idiot ( _he is_ ). “You think you do, but you don't know. You just don't like seeing me with someone else. Don't like seeing someone else make me laugh. I gave you so much of myself, and now that I'm taking it back you suddenly decide that you want to keep it?”  
  
Bobby can barely look him in the eye. Hanbin has a point, and Bobby hates arguing. He just wants to grab him and shake him, wants to keep him from saying it all. Wants to scream in Hanbin's face, wants to tell him that he can have what he's wanted for so long.  
  
He says nothing instead, so Hanbin goes for blood.  
  
“What if your family is against it?”  
  
Bobby shakes his head. Family isn't a fair topic. Hanbin doesn't want to fight fair, though.  
  
“I know you haven't told your parents.”  
  
“They'll be okay, I promise they'll be okay with it.” _You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, Jiwon._  
  
“You don't know that,” Hanbin replies, “have you heard some of the sermons the pastor at their church gives? Because I have. I spent years trying to find reasons why it wouldn't work between us, and I found a lot. I don't think they'll be as accepting as you expect.”  
  
Bobby can't hear it, can't imagine a world in which his parents don't support him. (He's never talked to them about it, though, and he knows for a fact that some members of his family support conversion therapy. It just never mattered before.) “So what, you think your parents are the only ones allowed to support us?”  
  
Hanbin just looks at him with a sad expression. “My parents aren't Catholic. They don't hear what your parents hear on a weekly basis.”  
  
“That's not fair, Hanbin.” Bobby can't stop himself from speaking, even though he knows it's a terrible idea.  
  
Hanbin's expression goes from sadness to anger with only a few words. “Not fair? I can't believe you have the nerve to talk about what's _fair._ None of this is fair to me, it's never been fair to me. But did you ever hear me complaining?”  
  
Bobby bites his lip to keep from talking, because he's not sure what he'll end up saying. He knows it hasn't been fair on Hanbin all these years. Falling in love with someone who doesn't want to return the feelings is never an easy thing to live with.  
  
“I didn't think I'd ever find someone I'd want more than you,” Hanbin says, but he neglects to say that he still hasn't found that person (he loves Jaewon, and it's enough, but it will never equal his love for Bobby; nothing ever will).  
  
Bobby digs his fingers into his arm to keep from screaming at Hanbin.  
  
“It's not like dating a girl, Bobby, it won't be what you think it is. You think you know, but you don't, and I don't think you'll like it.” (Hanbin also thinks that Bobby might like it _too much_ , and he's terrified then that Bobby might wake up one day and find some other guy that he likes even more, and Hanbin can't risk that.)  
  
“Why can't you just give me a chance, at least? One day, even?” Bobby doesn't think it's much to ask. You can figure a lot out in one day.  
  
Hanbin shakes his head. One day would be too much if he can't guarantee that a lifetime will follow. “Three months ago, and I would have been only too happy to give you that. Not now.”  
  
It's funny, what desperation and pride will make you say in the heat of the moment.  
  
“One night, Hanbin. Jaewon will never have to find out.” The look of hurt in Hanbin's eyes is one that Bobby's certain will haunt him for the rest of his life. But it's too late to take it back.  
  
It's too late for a lot of things.  
  
“I think we should stop sharing a room,” Hanbin says, but Bobby can see that it's difficult for him to suggest.  
  
“Come on, that's not necessary.” They're not roommates anymore at home, though that barely matters because Hanbin's hardly ever home when the rest of them are sleeping (and when he is sleeping, Bobby can sit and stare at him in peace because the others are usually out). But Japan is a different beast. Japan is for _them,_ it always has been. It always will be.  
  
“It is. We'll both sleep better if we're not next to each other.”  
  
This isn't going the way Bobby had expected, and he can't do anything as everything crashes down around him. It's suffocating. So he keeps talking just to draw in breath.  
  
“How am I supposed to do this, how am I supposed to work with you when I feel this way about you?”  
  
“I wish I could say that it gets easier, but it doesn't.” Hanbin answers, even though it's probably not the best thing to say, because that's practically an admission that his feelings for Bobby are _still_ too strong.  
  
“Hanbin,” Bobby's voice is pleading, and it makes Hanbin's skin crawl.  
  
“Jinhwan is really good to talk to,” Hanbin says, and he wonders for a second what Jinhwan would say. Jinhwan has been there through every single one of Hanbin's lonely nights, he's been there for every conversation that started and ended in sorrow.  
  
He shouldn't send Bobby to him too. It won't end well.  
  
“Hanbin,” Bobby pleads again and reaches out to grab his arm, trails his fingers down until he's got Hanbin's hand enveloped in his own (he can't stop looking at their hands together, can't stop thinking that this is what he wants to see for the rest of his life), “look me in the eyes and tell me that you're not in love with me anymore.”  
  
Hanbin meets his eyes but he'll never say it, because while he likes to hide a lot of things, he never lies.  
  
Instead he just shakes his head. “It's just bad timing. It'll pass.”  
  
“I don't want it to pass.” Bobby's not even sure if he said the words out loud. Hanbin doesn't seem to react to them, he just stands there and stares before unclasping their hands.  
  
Hanbin's at the door seconds later, but Bobby can barely see him through the tears in his eyes. He hears him loud and clear.  
  
“It'll pass.”  
  
_For you. But never for me._  
  
Then he's gone. Bobby doesn't know where he's gone (probably to Jinhwan's room), doesn't expect him back tonight.  
  
He lies down in Hanbin's bed, buries his face in the pillow that's still crumpled from the night before.  
  
The pillow he should have been sharing all along. The one he never wants to move off of now.  
  
_It'll never pass._  
  
But it'll never happen either.


End file.
